Thursday, April 20, 2006

A great jog today. For work wise, having done my touchscreen also add to that sense of satisfaction.

Funny conversation during lunch. We were just talking randomly about activities to organise for the long weekends on Labour day and Vesak day. And soon, we came to the conclusion of 'fishing prawns'. And soon, we drifted to.. how to know if a prawn is a male or female? One cranky colleague suggested.. to count the number of legs it has. The one that wins with an extra leg/thing is the male. -.-''' And the topic later drifted to.. are the chicken we eat a rooster or a hen? And I always thought only hens are edible, but they told me otherwise. And later, on eggs.. Soon, one colleague mentioned that he saw Rooster raping female duck and vice verse. !!!???!!! But they won't produce anything. They also told me that a Lion can mate with a tiger!!! And that they'll give birth as a results. Upon asking what will be the 'final product', one of the technicians jokingly said... Cat.... -.-'''''''''''''' Haha. Casual conversation, but for the pure entertainment of it. Simple Pleasures. :)

During the conversation, I realised they knew far more about nature. They did so much more things when they are young. They've harboured so much memories than I have. For me, I only have empty childhood and teenage life. The memories were totally empty, except for fear and insecurity. Its only till I enter university, that miracles happen and I evolved a brand new person. That makes me so empty about life. Everybody seems to have played something which etched deeply into their memories. But there's absolutely nothing I can remember of mine.

Another thing I regret is that I never get to really interact with my relatives. Having a terrible time during childhood and teenage years made me quiet and inhibit. I know you may find it weird to describe I'm quiet. But ask any sec sch friend of mine and they can verify this fact. I always envy others. They have their cousins to be with, play with, and exchange little secrets with. Its like another 'sister' or 'brother', or a close heart-to-heart friend. I have to say that I have none. I've never interact with them, not at even a bit. Some, I don't even know their names. Without any trusty friend, without any cousins, without any warmth, I'm glad I survived. 'If it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger.'

It seems like I'm excavating my past which I never thought of it. Probably, after the Easter play, it made me rewind myself to what I did when I was young, knowing how to pray w/o people teaching me how to. Not the point, but it just kept me thinking of that stages of my life which I always kept secret about. Or rather, not that I kept it a secret, but I think, unconsciously, I do not wish to bright it out to light, hoping it will supress deep down. In fact, my left hand do have 'physical' reminders. My bracelet on the wrist and a scar on my hand. The bracelet in remembrance of my uncle, who showed me care and concern, unceasingly. The only warmth and strength I felt. The scar was a cut by myself, when I was almost drove to insanity. Its good to know that I'm a coward. If not, I might not be typing this entry now. Suicidal thoughts were oh-so-common to me. But I lack the courage, which is something good, at least.

Should I continue excavating these patch of darkness?

Will I sink further? Or will it drew some light to me instead?

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