Saturday, April 15, 2006

Why did rain always come when I wanted to go jogging?!? Aim to jog at 4pm, but raindrops pour in at 3.30pm. Grrrr.....

I finally agree upon Nigel's invitation to his church play. Before I actually agree upon, its actually Catherine who changed my mind from not-really-wanting-to-go to maybe-going. Though its always Nigel who invites. :) Well, Nigel, its not really a 'girl thing', but probably Cat seldom or rather never share intrigue conversation. We usually talk things like erm, the weather. U know what I mean. =) Nvm. You two are the same entity anyway. *winkz to Nigel and Cat*

I was so so impressed by the play. It was really very professionally done. What touches me in the heart was actually 2 things. One, need-less to say, the story which is professionally depicted. Second, it is something the speaker said.

He said that people pray, especially during desperation. The word desperation caught my mind. But in my mind, "So pple don't pray when they're not in desperation?". And I realise it is just so true. I pray when I'm desperate. I pray when I'm worried. I go to the temples to burn incense when I have something in mind. And I believe I'm not alone. Other than those with religion strict and faithful religion, who actually pray to God. (I'm still not taking sides, so it is to whatever God/Deity you believe in), the rest of us, will only seek such help when we are desperate. How sad, but true. So you hate a person who take advantage of you only when the person needs your help. But don't you hate yourself for praying to God/Deity only when you need desperate help?

If I can undo time, I'll say the 'acceptance of Christ' was a monkey-see-monkey-do act of mine today. I have this not-able-to-reject symdrome in me. And till now, I still doesnt know what does the 'acceptance of christ means. *scratch head* But to Nigel and Cat, rest assure that it had already touched my heart, but erm, yet my mind.

Specially for Nigel, I'll share this little secret of mine. It may seem just a little secret, but I've nv share to anyone. It take some thicker skin to share in public k... *winkz*

I had somehow know how to pray since young. Maybe like 3 or 4 years old? And I always end my prayings with a word, 'Amen'. I don't know where I learnt it from. My entire family don't touch Christianity at all. I don't watch tv, if tv would show that is. I was always staring into blank a.k.a when I was young. Haha. I remember there was once, 3 1/2-yr-old Jingxian was so scared, hiding under the bed, out of desperation, I prayed that bad things will end soon. It ended, though momentarily. I fell a deep sleep after I prayed and only wake up the next morning. By falling into sleep, I was released of the possible torment.

This other one sure sounds funny. But well, when I was in primary sch, I lived in Msia while I study in SG. So every morning, I have to crawl out of bed early and get on the sch bus to cross the causeway customs to school. And always, on the bus, I feel like sh*tting (ok, in refined terms, passing motion). But you definitely can't do it when you are in the middle of causeway, out of desperation, I will pray in silence, offering that I'll be a gd girl. (ok, I know it sounds childish, but thats how a pri sch kid thinks she can offer ok!) And that wanting-to-pass-motion feeling went off. Funny it may sound, but true.

And NOBODY knows about this. Not even my parents, friends, or close buddies.

It may appear that I'm all ready to get attached to a religion. NOPE. My mind weren't thnking so. The Mind over heart theory always hover around me. For since young, I never let my conscious mind rule over my heart. It is always mind over heart, never the other way round. Probably I already know the reason, but I'm not willing to share.

I really thank Nigel and Cat. For if I didn't go, I've never come to conscious realization of such acts. Maybe I did, but I'm still hovering under denial of this fact, and I'm still under denial, cause my mind refuse to accept.

But I also wish to apologize about the 'Acceptance of Christ' thing. Its really something under peer pressure which my heart isn't quite conforming to it. I dunno why. Maybe its the typical Singaporean symdrome--> Monkey-see-monkey-do. Which if I could undo time, I will not do it yet, for everybody seem so excited over it and I wasn't serious about it, probably due to the past experience.


Bed Time.. zZzzZzz...

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